


Rubatosis

by LivLys257



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Peter Pan - J. M. Barrie
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, Insomnia, Mutual Pining, Non-Canonical Character Death, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:54:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24284695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LivLys257/pseuds/LivLys257
Summary: Post End Game Loki has returned to Midguard finding him increasingly pulled to a wounded Avenger.Exhaustion-pure exhaustion racked your being. An abrasive rumble from the sky tore your focus as your fingers slipped hitting the wrong key. Hesitantly, Loki touched your shoulder. Did tension ever leave? “Loki?”“Yes, (y/n).”“I’m not fond of what follows anymore either.”
Relationships: Loki (Marvel)/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 26





	Rubatosis

**Author's Note:**

> Not Beta-ed. Not canon. First Fic. Please leave any constructive criticism, thoughts, or love. Enjoy loves!

**_Rubatosis_ **

_Metal groaning, crackling electricity, horrified cries, and a halt. Burning iron and skin, and smoke consumed the air. Unwavering eyes battled for dominance as a purple fist increased pressure around his porcelain throat turning blue…._

_“You will never be a god.”_

Rattling windows broke him from sleep. Sheets tangled between legs and pillows strewn about. Long fingers ran through tresses as a shaky panicked shudder escaped. Nightmares….no, terrors. Terrors from his past. Loki freed himself from the bed to stand to greet his waker. A crash of light and drops hitting glass flashed across haunted eyes.

_“What’s the matter? Scared of a little lightning?”_

_“I’m not particularly fond of what follows….”_

The memory echoed in his mind. He chuckled-exhaling anxiety through pursed lips. Returning to bed would be fruitless. Months returning after unrelenting nightmares proved that rest was improbable. 

Gliding through the darkened halls of the new Avengers compound thunder reverberated through his chest leaving him feeling hollow. Tea. Tea was weak compared to the ale on Asgard that would have guaranteed a drunken slumber but then…Asgard was no more. Tea. Yes, tea.

Surely, 2 AM would find himself alone yet a dim light above the stove and a cup of tea waited for him next to a used cup. His cup, the one he coveted and refused to share merely to inconvenience others, called him as steam rolled off. The pitter patter against the window faded quickly as a differing pitter patter called from down the hall. Taking the cup, his mind and feet wandered to find the source of tea and answers to unasked questions. You sat taut at the piano Stephen had brought in for you after the war. You hadn’t spoken for a month after the war; Words rarely graced your lips 6 months later as you played seemingly without end. There were a few successful exceptions when Wanda or Stephen would beg and coax you from the bench to shower or eat. 

He watched leaning against the door frame. In the day, he would sit at the window reading but his attention to the pages drifted more than he cared to admit. He’d kept secret in the shadows in the still of night for three months. Daring never came to help him step into your presence; The prince wouldn’t disturb a hallowed space. The lounge transformed at night seeming the closest to Valhalla he could deem worthy of hoping to be. 

“Loki,” a broken whisper fell from your lips. Had he not been an attentive audience he would have missed it. Pulling from the shadow of the hall your eyes met. You slid on the bench patting the space next to you. Hesitantly, he made his way to your side but didn’t sit. You returned to your melody. Tousled strands of hair fell to brush against the dark circles beneath your eyes; They betrayed the facade you attempted with your taut posture. Exhaustion-pure exhaustion racked your being. An abrasive rumble from the sky tore your focus as your fingers slipped hitting the wrong key. Hesitantly, Loki touched your shoulder. Did tension ever leave? “Loki?” 

“Yes, (y/n).”

“I’m not fond of what follows anymore either.”

Loki hummed softly and with a nervous hand tucked the fallen strands behind your ear. You turned taking his hand. Oh. You rarely touched anyone or let them touch you.

“Y/n.”

“Yes, Loki.”

He hesitated, breath caught in his throat. “What secrets do you hide in your pain? What haunts you?” the thought answered but he feared it to be too invasive. 

“What are you playing?” This particular song seemed reserved for storms or the night but never graced daylight.

You chuckled softly, “….I don’t know. Do you believe in curses, Loki?’

“Curses? My dear, surely it has a name.”

“Do you believe in curses?”

Loki grinned wickedly, “Darling, I’m the God of Mischief. I live for curses. Have you lured me here to strike a deal? I must admit that’s a delicious thought.”

Amusement hit your eyes momentarily before a sad smile replaced it, “Afraid not. Not tonight.”

“Tonight? Perhaps in the morning?” Loki inquired. “Y/N,” he feared overstepping your comfort not wanting your words to retreat back into your supposed vow of silence. 

“You’ve heard this song, yes?” You asked.

He pursed knowing he’d been found out before humming in agreement. Your eyes crinkled slightly.

“This is the furthest you’ve gotten.”

You nodded noting his hand still in yours gently stroking circles on the back. “It calls to me.”

“Musicians often have moments of inspiration come to them.”

“No, not like this, ” you whispered.

His interest had been piqued the first time he heard the opening measures but each night the new measures drew him to the brink of obsession, “Y/N, could you trust me?”

Your voice caught, “Would you like me to trust you?”

He sat his tea down to take your other hand, “Ever so much.”

You guide his fingers to the top of your mock turtleneck pulling it down. Angry pink scars in connected lines race across neck to heart.

“Y/N, ” his fingers trailed reverently down the lightning shaped scar, “when did you get that?” 

Lightning flashed across the sky making you shudder.

“Did he? Do you?” A pit formed in his stomach-temperature rising. Was this his mark? The God of Thunder wasn’t worthy of the air you breathed let alone the touch your skin. Did you call him home? Were the circles under your eyes evidence of a waiting vigil for his return? 

“No. Loki, not like that,” you breathed. 

He traced the lightning shape scar gently before noticing a familiar silvery blue coming through. “Y/N….is that?”

A dark chuckle rumbled from you, “Live lightning? Best guess. Stephen’s looking for an answer but hasn’t made a break through. Can you feel it?”

Loki pressed deeper trying to sense a source but paused bringing his fingers to your carotid and then the other.

“That, my dear, is a terrific trick. Two separate heartbeats yet one heart. How novel!” 

You hummed appreciatively, “But whose and why?”

He pressed once more hoping to find a consistency to the competing beats. “This is the meter of….”

“The song.” You finished, “The other pulse hits hardest during storms or at night.” 

“ _Curiouser and curiouser_ …” Loki purred. 

You huffed amused with a questioning eyebrow, “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. You?”

“Mischief abounds in Wonderland but you….may need the looking glass,” he paused, “Y/n, love, this may be disconcerting but I must ask. When did you die?” 

You froze holding your breath. 

“It’s alright, love. It’s alright,” he cooed, “You don’t have to tell me. May I, may I try something?”

Tears threatened to escape as you nodded your consent. He had longed to have you share with him. Share morning tea and the sunrise with him. Walks along the path outside by the pond. Your favorite poems, flowers, anything. Never had he dare dream a show of vulnerability of this magnitude so shortly after a request. Loki moved his fingers to your temples tenderly, “Close your eyes, y/n. This will only take a moment,” he promised delving gently into your memories. 

_Tony snapped and your eyes were going dark. Loki could hear Stephen calling your name and Thor standing by. Sudden silence followed by a ferocious growl, a crack of thunder, and blinding light. You woke to beeps of monitors and Stephen sitting ragged looking at your side. “Y/N….thank God. You’re okay. Thor. THOR!”_

Loki pulled back then with a melancholic understanding. 

“Y/N, I’m done. You can open your eyes if you’d like.” He held your shaking form, smoothing your hair back in hopes of relieving your shock. “I believe I may be able to solve this. If we call Strange will he see me?” 

Your heart and head dropped. Would Stephen agree to see him? You had abandoned hope months ago that your body would survive the hypertension and stress caused by the erratic spare pulse and lack of sleep. The most recent scans hadn’t been encouraging. You weren’t enhanced or a god; You were a highly trained human SHIELD agent turned Avenger.

“He will,” drawled the sorcerer from the door. 

“Stephen,” you greeted with a wistful smile. “Up late or early?”

He chuckled kindly to you, “Both”, but glared at the God sitting next to you. “Loki…”

“Strange,” Loki’s glare countered back. Thunder filled the silence. “So, you think you have something for y/n?” he asked reaching to feel both of y/n’s pulses.

“I hope so. Do you know how to find my brother?”

Stephen scoffed, “Thor? Not yet, but I’m willing to search again.”

“How soon can you get him?”

Orange and gold sparks circled about as Stephen stepped through a portal.

Minutes past like hours as you sat cradled in silence with Loki hearing nothing but competing heartbeats. With a crack Stephen reappeared with the blond God. 

“Alright Strange. Where is Lady…” Thor stopped at the sight of you with Loki’s hand tracing the lightning again. “Strange, is this some sort of illusion?”

Loki turned, “Hello brother.”

“No. No. No. Loki is dead. He perished on the ship. I mourn him.”

“Mourn no more, brother. I am here.” Loki gazed hesitantly toward Thor. Thor trembled slowly attempting a resolve to keep collected. 

“He’s here, Thor," You whispered, "Loki’s home.”

Home? How long had he yearned for a safe haven to rest his head and call home? Did your idea of home include him? Home with his arms around you on the couch in the library reading together. Home leaning in the door frame listening to your haunting piano melodies at night and soft strains in the day before whispering accolades in your ear. Loki ached to believe and ask but his surprise was interrupted.

“How?” Thor choked.

“This may be an unintentional side effect from one of my spells.” Loki replied keeping an eye on the lightning dancing under your pale skin. “I’m quite adept at coming back from the dead and it appears little y/n is, too. On the ship, I cast an illusion but was stuck in a mirror dimension trying to get to the Tesseract before Thanos. Clearly, I….”

“Failed?” provided Stephen.

Loki grit his teeth, “Granted-under normal circumstances I should have been able to break free, but alas, dimensions under pressure are tricky when you’ve just caused the devastation of a planet. When your little friends went back to get the stones I borrowed the space stone from Stark Tower to help me escape. I won’t go into too much detail-spoilers-but I had intended to join you at the battle. My timing was off so the dimension didn’t open up quite as I hoped. When Thor used his power to bring y/n back it broke the dimension but my release wasn’t immediate; The pain as I phased in piece by piece over weeks was EXCRUTIATING. It appears that my luck ran amock. A piece of me didn’t quite return in order,” he turned to you, “my pet. I would quite like that piece of my heart back now.”

You stared baffled as Loki lead your hand to his carotid. The rubatosis sent eerie waves through you before Loki removed your hand.

“I beg your pardon….a piece of your what?” Strange sputtered. “Your heart?”

“You’re a man of science and mystic arts, Strange. Is it so absurd that part of you or your enemies couldn’t get lost in between a mirror dimension and reality? Surely, there are warnings in the tomes at your sanctums.”

Strange paced across the floor stroking his beard. “I hate to admit it y/n but it’s possible. Improbable but possible.”

Thor shifted in the corner, “What do you need?”

Loki’s eyes crinkled, “A surgeon, a mirror dimension, a God of Mischief, a God of Thunder, and a heart thief.”

You eyes rolled so hard you imagined they snapped into the back of your skull. “Heart thief?”

“I didn’t very well give it to you, pet,” Loki retorted with a stroke to the inside of your wrist. 

You strode to Stephen-Loki immediately missing your warmth by his side. “When can we go?” 

“Now, if you’d like. Are you sure you’re up for this y/n?” Stephen asked taking hold of your forearms to steady your paling figure. “I can’t guarantee your safety.” 

_“Whether I am or not you’ve been more than fair_ ,” y/n murmured with a yawn.

“Quoting books and movies now. You are getting better. Let’s go, Buttercup!” Stephen wrapped his arm around your shoulders as he opened a mirror dimension. 

Thor followed hesitantly behind Loki and tripped falling through Loki’s figure. “What just happened? Where’d Loki go?”

“I’m here, brother,” Loki replied attempting to lay a hand on Thor’s shoulder. A string of unfamiliar curses escaped. “I can’t touch Thor.”

Stephen sighed, “We’re running out of time. If Loki doesn’t get the last piece back he’ll be unable to sustain his form in this dimension or reality. Thor, I need you to get ready to pull the lightning from y/n on my call. It’s the only thing binding them. Got it? Y/n, lie down here. Loki, are you ready? On my call I need you to pull your remaining piece from y/n. I assume you know how to do that?”

“I’m familiar with the principle,” Loki replied masking his nerves.

You lie on the ground your breathing shallow. “Stephen…”

“Hold on, y/n,” Stephen plead his hand hesitantly taking yours. “Thor-three, two, one! Now!” Thor focused his command toward the silvery blue leading the lightning from the scar. “Where Strange?” 

“Across to the right side and down through the feet-not toward her heart or head! We need to ground the energy once it’s out but I assume your other-worldly strength can take that?” 

Thor grunted, “It’s a bit stuck. I am the God of Thunder. Release!”

Loki grasped your hand tightly, “Y/n, it’s now or never. Don't fight it. You can let go. Trust me, please. I beg you, pet. Let the energy go. We’ll be alright.” 

“Tony’s not the only one with proof that he has a heart.” You rasped before a scream overtook you as the lightning left your feet to Thor’s hands.

“Loki, now!” Stephen ordered. Loki phased into your heart to feel a loose piece. 

“Please don’t be an artery. Please don’t be an artery,” Loki prayed. He grasped pulling a faded piece out before slamming it into his chest with a shudder collapsing solidly to the floor. Deep raspy breaths escaped from him. “I think it worked.”

“Y/N? Y/N? Shit. Thor, grab y/n. We have to get back to the compound now.” Stephen grasped Loki’s leg pulling him from the mirror dimension and back to reality. 

“Strange! Is y/n alive?” Loki plead from his spot on floor next to you. He searched praying to Frigga for signs of a rising chest in vain. No movement. None. “Strange?”

“She’s not breathing. Y/n? Y/n? Shit.” Stephen propped your neck back and brought his fists to your chest starting compressions. “Come on, y/n. We lost you once. I’m not losing you again.” Loki stared frozen watching Strange with horror splayed across his face. You were so frail now. You’d lost so much of yourself in your giving with the Avengers. You were too good for the nightmares you had faced. Fate was too cruel to rob you of healing. “Loki, can you move? Loki?”

Shaking from his stupor he jumped to Stephen, “Yes.”

“My hands aren’t…I need you to take over. Place your hands together like this,” Strange manouevered Loki’s hands together and placed them in the middle of your chest. He pushed down over Loki’s hands to help him approximate how far he should push. “Push fast, push hard. I’ll count you out. Go. 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6….” Loki’s mind went blank as he shifted into gear. “Stop, plug the nose and breathe into the mouth with a complete seal twice….anything? No? Start again….1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6….30. Two more breaths, Loki. Come on, y/n.” 

“Stop,” Loki shushed as your chest began to rise and fall. 

“Y/n? Y/n? Can you hear me?” Stephen grabbed a wrist searching for a pulse before moving to your carotid. “I’ve got a pulse. Y/n, if you can hear me please try to grasp my fingers. Please?” A finger twitched against his. “I’ll take that. Thor, grab y/n,” Stephen opened a portal to the med bay immediately placing you on a bed and hooking up machines. The small night med team ran in to assist allowing Stephen a break. 

Loki and Thor stood frozen as you were wheeled away. 

Stephen inhaled and exhaled muttering under this breath, pinching his nose. “You two did well. I’ll follow up in a few minutes after they schedule tests.” 

“Strange-”

“I don’t…I don’t know,” Stephen choked, “Not yet. I’ll let you know.” He ran out following the direction of the med team.

Loki exhaled running hands through his hair when Thor came to his side. 

“Loki…”

With a dry chuckle, “I missed you, too, brother.” His smirk faltered searching the hall in hopes of Strange. 

Thor grasped his shoulder and squeezed. “So…..Lady Y/n?”

“What about her?”

“She’s a fine warrior.”

“That she is. That she is.”

“You know, we have traveled across the Aesir, fighting wars, saving galaxies, but is it worth it at the end if you don’t have a place to rest your head?” Loki raised an eyebrow.

“Waxing philosophical isn’t your brand, brother.”

Thor chuckled raising his hands in surrender, “All I’m saying is that your head doesn’t have to rest alone, ” he grinned at Loki heading toward the door. “You’re good at dying. What is that saying from the Pan child?” 

Loki scoffed in surprise, “Peter Pan? When did you? ‘To die would be an awfully big adventure’?”

Thor smiled, “No, you’ve died enough. ‘To live would be an awfully big adventure.’ Don’t live it alone.”

A week later Loki sat at your bedside in the medical wing reading reverently to your sleeping figure. _“One cannot at least withhold a reluctant admiration for the wit that had conceived so bold a scheme, and the fell genius with which it was carried out.”_

“Is that what you told your mother after you stabbed Thor?” you murmured through a sleep-heavy tongue.

“Y/n?” He dropped the book. “Can I get you anything? How are you feeling?”

“Something to drink, please.” He magicked a glass of water and cup of tea to the tray at your bedside. His cup. His tea cup. Your cold fingers brushed as you took the glass. “Thank you.” Loki admittedly was put out you hadn’t accepted his cup but quickly replaced his discontentment with a practiced smile. He studied your scar. The pink coloring was fading slightly and the circles under your eyes were a lighter purple. “Loki?” y/n questioned.

“Sorry, love. How are you?”

“Undecided,” you shrugged. Your gazes met-his with concern and yours with a challenge-nay-invitation, “How are you?” 

“Undecided,” Loki parroted. You reached out to his forearm. “Loki,” you traipsed carefully.

“Y/N.”

“Could you trust me?”

Loki smirked, “I believe, my dear, that is my line.” 

“I’m borrowing it. Testing it out. What do you think?”

“Ever so much…pet; You have quite a talent for dying.”

You pursed your lips, _“To die would be an awfully big adventure.”_

A light chuckle escaped from you bedside companion, “Perhaps, we could try an equally thrilling adventure after you’re rested. One of slow walks by the pond. Shared tea by morning light….”

“Turned pages from love-worn spines?” you offered. “Have you lured me here to strike a deal? I must admit that’s a delicious thought.”

Mirth hit Loki’s eyes momentarily before a vulnerable hope replaced it, “Perhaps.”

“Tonight? Perhaps in the morning?” You inquired. Loki hummed appreciatively. You slid over slightly in the bed patting the spot next to you before reaching for his copy of Peter Pan. Loki slid gently in next to your side as you began to read feeling for your heartbeat. 

_“When you wake in the morning, the naughtiness and evil passions with which you went to bed have been folded up small and placed at the bottom of your mind and on the top, beautifully aired, are spread out your prettier thoughts, ready for you to put on.”_

“That is not where I left off,” Loki cried prying the book from your hands turning to a page to read, _“She also said she would give him a kiss if he liked, but Peter did not know what she meant, and he held out his hand expectantly.”_

You snaked an arm slowly across his chest to cup his cheek making him shiver. “Loki,”

“Yes, pet.” 

“That’s not where you left off either.”

“Are you quite certain? You were asleep when I was readi…” but his challenge was cut off by the soft press of your lips against his. Slowly you released your hand from his cheek stealing the book from his grasp. 

_“His courage was almost appalling. ‘Would you like an adventure now,’ he said casually to John, ‘or would you like to have your tea first',"_ you paused turning back to Loki. He wrapped one arm around your middle bringing his cup between the two of you to take a sip.

“I think, my love, I shall have both. Absolutely and utterly both.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for sharing your time with my work.
> 
> I do not own the quotes or characters from the works Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, The Princess Bride, or Peter Pan but lovingly thank their writers for awfully big adventures.


End file.
